Something I don't talk about much

Something I don't talk about much is Adam Kanaszyc. Most of you know that he took his own life a few years ago in a rather dramatic fashion and it was a tough time for me. I did what I normally do in emotional situations and detached myself as much as possible. As I looking back at that time I have just started realizing how much growing up I did in those few short weeks.

Several weeks before Adam's death, he and I had a blowout argument. I was doing what I thought was right in a very complicated situation and he didn't agree with me. It came to a head and really put a strain on our friendship. After that, I was still committed to his friendship and we had made amends from that argument, but I don't think we ever really got the chance to fully heal from that. The toughest thing was calling out a friend, even in love, and intentionally causing strife.

That's what I thought until I got the call from Lucyna and had to call all our closest friends and break the news. As guys, we don't share our feelings much, and the different reactions I got from people gave me insight into them that I had never seen before. As I said before, I disconnected myself and just did what needed to be done through the following days and weeks. Krista even tried to talk to me about it and I just wasn't in a place where I could.

Several months later on the way home from work, I just broke down. No good reason, he just came to mind and I couldn't distance myself from it. I didn't appreciate the impact it had on me until after that drive home and maybe it's taken until now, really, to appreciate the impact on my life.

I don't really know why I'm posting this except to know that I've gone over it in my head a few thousand times and I just needed to get it down on 'paper'. Who knows, maybe that's part of the healing process and maybe I actually am moving on from it. September gets close each year and I start thinking about him, his birthday (9/11), and of course the events of 9/11 and how they're all kind of connected for me.

I've learned that in life, you do what you need to do to get by. I think we each have our own mechanisms for doing that and whether they're conscious or not is irrelevent. I know that his life made the problems of drugs and addictions so much more personal and I wonder how many of my friends, family, and co-workers have little exposure to those things. The impact of those have really realigned my priorities in what we teach Will and how I may (hopefully not) deal with those topics when the need arises.

Don't know why this all matters, just to say that he was a great friend and I miss him. I hope Jon and Maureen read this at some point too and can understand what I'm saying at some level.